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Do you Know How Behaviour Affect in a Relationship?


Marcus Chai

Council Member of Human Behaviour Academy

From the moment we are born in this world, relationships have become one of the most essentials things in life. Just consider how much an infants need their parents or primary guardian that give care, tender and love to them. From birth itself, there is already a need to attach to others, for example a baby in the mother’s womb. Our behaviour whether in verbal or body gestures, has the power to either attract others closer to us or push them away from us.

Let’s take a look at these people – your next of kins, close friends at school or at work, and intimate partnership. What type of quality relationship that you have gone through with them and have these people ever treated you in situation that caused you in anger, happiness, sadness and confusion? Have you ever experienced that these people influenced your willingness to make changes for sake of relationship? Or on the opposite side, do you have a trail of destroyed or painstaking relationships in the past you created blocks to human connections and intimacy? Are you sometimes presenting the mask of what you would like others to see – rather than what you really are? Question yourself if this works for you or again if the end result of all these have led you happiness or emptiness?

Behaviour that attract others closer

  • Eye contact can give the one you communicate with a sense of intimacy, and leaves the receiver a feeling more positive about your interaction and bonded to you by the gaze. The increased eye contact does not make someone seems more appealing in any way to those they communicate with, it also improves the quality of that interaction.
  • Listeningdoes not only refer to hearing the sound you hear, it require more than that – the focus. This means we are not only paying attention to the story but also how it is told, the language and the tonality, and how the body gestures work. In another word, it is not about awareness in both verbal and non-verbal messages, the ability to listen effectively depends on the degree to which you perceive and understand these messages.
  • Kindness or Positive treatment is a way of showing others that they matter and that even in the face of hostility and selfishness, you’re making a stand for kindness. Random acts of kindness shows that we make a deliberate attempt to brighten somebody else’s day by doing something thoughtful, dedicated, nice, and caring for them.
  • Reliability or dependable is important in one relationship. Let’s picture it in an example where in most romantic relationship, both parties put certain level of trust to their mate no matter how dependable their partner is. Therefore, the trust thing lies within oneself. Question yourself honestly whether the lack of trust is based on solid evidence or unjustified fears. If the answer is the latter, it may be good to get counselling and support, to give oneself another chance to trust appropriately again. Do not allow these fear jeopardize the relationship and push away a good man or woman in your life.
  • Physical Touch makes us feel connected to other people, else life can become a lonely thing without physical touch. A simple touch can peace your nerves like an embrace to make your day smiley again. A quick touch can keep you connected on the go, for example give your partner a quick hug and kiss on the way out to work or give your partner a warm hug could give them feel of comfort when in crisis. Besides that, flirty gestures can revive your sex life when you portray little flirty touches to your other half to create anticipation for the real firework on bed.

Behaviour That Pushes Others Away:

  • Dismissive people tend to be loners, and they do not prioritize relationships and emotions as relatively important. Reason could be due to society need to cope with distress by fending for themselves, focusing on achievement, shutting off dependency needs and just carrying on. They usually face off interpersonal conflicts and stressful situations by running away from them. They do not hope their presence when in need, and they feel better to stay alone in this manner. They just feel that their life imbalanced, stay introverted and isolated, and emotionally unattached themselves from others, even their loved one.
  •  Inconsistency can gradually destroy and deteriorate a relationship before we actually know what is happening. At times we could be strong with verbal communication, but there are times we may shut down emotionally and not utter a word at all. This can lead to confusion and conflict in our perception about where the relationships stands at that point of time. Nothing is quite as disheartening as the feeling that only one person is putting more work in a relationship than the other. You will start to feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and the load will be too heavy to carry all by yourself. It is at this point that you will feel quite resentful of the other person. We really need to find a way to be more consistent in our communication with one another or else it could lead to a  breakdown that you never planned on in the beginning of the relationship.
  • Criticism is one of the things that can harm a relationship when one or another criticizes or uses sarcasm to belittle the other. Though it may seem to be done in fun or jest, the impact, especially over a long period of time, can be devastating. Let me share a few examples on how criticism and sarcasm can destroy your relationship. When you criticize the one you loved, it tells them that you do not respect them as a person. It shows that you do not believe they are capable of completing the task you are criticizing them for, which you are implying them as  stupid or lack of common sense. It can be said in sarcasm too, which is generally a veiled attempt to criticize. It makes the one you loved feel small and stupid, thus they feel vulnerable. Both criticism and sarcasm can lead to tension between the couple in a relationship, which can lead to fights, leaving deeper wounds like low self-esteem and a feeling of helplessness which can lead to feelings of resentment. And resentment can lead to an irreversible loss of good feelings towards the person they love. If you criticize or use sarcasm against the people you in front of other people, it causes them to lose respect for you. They’ll see you as domineering and insensitive or worse, as a bully. Quite often also, when someone constantly criticizes the people they are in a relationship with, it becomes clear that they don’t truly like the person they are with. This is quite common, and is one of the main reasons couples split. Though they may still love that person, they don’t truly, deep down, like them. Criticism reveals your true feelings on relationship, eventually you will push away from it.
  • Dishonesty is no one favourite but sometimes honesty seems even more damaging. What if the truth is more painful than a lie?  For example, when a wife first learns that her husband has an affair out there, usually the pain is often so great that she wishes she had been left ignorant. Vice versa when a husband discovers his wife’s affair, it’s like a knife stabs in his heart — and he wonders if it would have been better not knowing. The truth usually comes out eventually, and the months or years of hiding it not only creates an emotional barrier before it is revealed, but also destroys trust afterward.
  • Arrogance and humbleness, with right blend, is considered to be irresistible by most women. However, if it develops a gross imbalanced and the level of arrogance increases, he tends to reach an inflated ego where he lives in his own world of self-importance and pride where nothing can affect them at all. No woman would like to date such an arrogant man, so it is best to have life of modesty and humbleness. Many experts like psychiatrist and mental healthcare experts from all over the world, agree these arrogant people behave in this way  to mask their insecurities, self consciousness and low self-esteem. They claimed that they cultivate fear of rejection that nurture them to shield their feelings and adopt oppressive mannerisms so that people give attention to them. If you plan for a date, it is the best idea for men to avoid arrogance because most women disgust negative traits such as arrogance and haughtiness in their dates and become extremely cautious and defensive with such dates. Men who are arrogant usually very judgmental in their approach and they can spend the entire evening to find fault in oneself, or trying to belittle their partners to show off his assets (be it money, power, knowledge, etc). Do take note that while confidence acts in your favor, arrogance can be harmful and it could ruin the entire relationship. Therefore, it is always better to avoid arrogance and stay natural to portray your true self to your date.

Ironically, many of us still do not understand the power of behaviour that can hurt others, which they have an option not to accept another’s damaging behaviour or a choice to end theirs. There are many reasons why individual behave in this way, probably due to their earlier relationship (family or love), defense mechanism, inferior about themselves and overall lack of awareness. The most important thing is everyone has to pay responsible for their own action, regardless of the reason that turn them to behave the way they do.

Take a look of your life and find out if there is anything you could benefit from changing in the area of your behaviour – or accepting others behaviour. You may need to tune some adjustment if need be. However, if you think that you already have a healthy relationship with others and there is no necessity to change – good for you! That is very fortunate of you and please go and tell one of these people how much you appreciate them tomorrow.

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